To all the boys I've loved before

It's cuffing season folks - that time of year that people look for partnerships to help pass those long winter months - and maybe that's why I'm feeling a little romantic. Or maybe it's because I'm reading a few too many sexy novels right now that have my blood heating up. 

I miss those early days of a relationship, don't you? The sickly sweet feeling in your stomach when you realize they're looking at you, wondering if you're thinking what they're thinking. That static charge of the touch of your hands together. The relief when you've put yourself out there and your feelings are reciprocated. The excitement and terror of going on that first date - the first time you're together on your own, without buffers. The gleam in the other person's eye when you know they want to kiss you. Those early days when you can't get enough of each other - wanting to understand where they learned to think the way they do, how their past forged their present and what dreams they have, knowing there's a distinct possibility that you may fit into their future. Teaching them about your past - and feeling their arms tighten around you when you tell them something particularly vulnerable, sensing that they're wishing they could go back in time just so they could be in that moment with you. And all the kissing. Ahhh...there's nothing quite like it.

And yet, isn't there something SO dreamy about having a long time love? Doug and I celebrated 16 years in October and we had been together for about 6 years before that. And yes, while I do miss those feelings of newness, I wouldn't trade it AT ALL for this war-torn, comfortable love that we have now. We've learned so much about each other, about ourselves, and about how to make things work. I couldn't imagine anyone else knowing me, my life, my past and future, my ins and outs, my ups and downs the way Doug does. And I don't want anyone else to.

Good gracious. I am so glad I'm out of the dating scene and we don't have to do any of that anymore.

I came into this relationship with Doug half-formed, but brimming with possibility. Each relationship I had before brought me - all corners and angles jutting out all over the place - to Doug, where he, our partnership, and our trials and successes shaped who I was to be. The years smoothed over rough spots, melted and reformed hard spots and transformed me into what I am today. 

I'm so grateful to those who came before Doug - I'm so grateful that each relationship ended and inspired something in me to take forward.

To my first crushes - thank you for being kind and forgiving to that over-the-top mess of curls and teeth and oil and glasses. Dear Lord. 

To my first kiss - thank you for showing me that putting someone down is not the way to a person's heart.

To my first boyfriend - thank you for showing me that I was pretty, smart and funny enough - even with braces as a SENIOR in HIGH SCHOOL - to be desired.

To my second boyfriend - thank you for helping me to recognize my selfishness and to value the other person past just someone to make out with.

To my third boyfriend - thank you for being playful and showing me how relationships can be fun.

To my fourth boyfriend - thank you for the confidence boost in the middle of a long bout of nothing.

To my fifth boyfriend - thank you for the knowledge that I will never allow manipulation in future relationships.

And to my husband...

Thank you for never tiring of me. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for supporting me in all of my hair-brained ideas. Thank you for seeing me as a good person, even if I believe it or not. Thank you for standing up for me and with me, always. Thank you for encouraging me to be the best mom, sister, wife, colleague, and friend that I can be by pushing me past my boundaries, my listlessness and my ego. Thank you for making me laugh, for loving my bumpy butt, eating my cooking, making my drinks, offering me solo nights out, getting me coffees and gas, challenging me in Wordle, running baths for me when I've had enough, fetching things for me after I've sat down, finding new musicians, new TV shows and new movies to inspire me, budgeting for my bleeding heart charitable giving, loving our dog, drying my tears, sacrificing for us, being an incredible and thoughtful dad who always gives the best Christmas presents, putting together drum kits, furniture and bags of leaves, and on and on. Thank you for Ollie. Thank you for YOU, babe.

Yeah, that first sizzle of a new relationship is great.

But nothing can compare to the simmering fire that's still burning for all these years, being fed equally from both sides of the partnership. Good gracious we're lucky, Doug. Let's cuff.