Still Life: Funeral Fantasies?

I don't know why I've been thinking about death lately. Is it just me? 

It may be my anxiety, I can recognize it by its dark fantasies and feelings of unworthiness. It may be the pandemic we're going through - hearing the latest numbers and struggling through each day questioning my symptoms that really aren't symptoms at all. (I need a mask that says "IT'S JUST ALLERGIES"). It may be the recent news about school district plans and my hopelessness at homeschooling. It may be because I've got a urology scan tomorrow to check out a goofy kidney. It may be because my diet has been out of whack for...like...years and I ate nearly a whole sharing size of white chocolate peanut M&Ms today while working. Just kept shoveling them in, my eyes glued to my screen. It may be because I haven't had enough water today, or enough sleep last night, or because we're going through a big change with Ollie (I know I'll look back on it as just a slight shift in daily operations, but right now it feels overwhelming). It may be because working from home is not glamorous nor easy nor sustainable for me. I had really high hopes. It may be because Ollie's been quiet this afternoon and promises to make his own dinner, but I think I just heard the telltale sign of the third bag of chips opening and I don't even care. 

And I definitely just polished off that bag of M&Ms. Double sad because you can't find those things anywhere. And I didn't even appreciate them! Dammit. DO OVER.

I don't know if anyone else is like this, but when I get low, I get really contemplative. I don't think about suicide, I think about my funeral. I think about what I'd want people to say, who would fly from across the country, or even better, across the world to be there. I think about everyone sobbing, about them patting my wordless, shocked husband's back and him promising never to love again. I think about it being a freak accident and no one knowing what was inside my heart or brain in those last few minutes. I start feeling really sorry for everyone, but mostly for ME, who never knew what I had when I had it. It's this moment that I know I've got to cheer myself up.

My cheer up list is really just counting my blessings, but  I think I have to get to a incredibly desperate place in order to find true gratefulness. So here goes:

1. I have gotten engaged to, been married to and had a family with a man I truly, madly love, appreciate and who has left an indelible impression on my soul.

2. I was able to sustain pregnancy for, given birth to and watched grow the world's greatest kid.

3. I've had love and support from family, friends, professors and acquaintances.

4. I've had brushes with fame and brushes with danger.

5. I've stood on the tops of buildings in New York and watched history.

6. I've written, drawn, modeled, painted, designed, directed, choreographed, sewn, acted, produced, sang and danced. I've created art and I've watched others create art.

7. I've had the deepest immense sorrow and I've felt exhilarating, silly joy.

8. I've gotten A's and compliments, shitty news and hairs in my food.

9. I've been made fun of, but made my bullies laugh.

10. I've gotten sunburns, bug bites and icicle eyelashes.

11. I've eaten fish and chips in London, crepes in Paris, bagels in New York, pizza in Chicago and fish in San Francisco, as well as meatloaf in Niles, Michigan.

12. I've swept the stage floor and I've been nominated for theatre awards.

13. I've caught the eyes of VIPs in my non-profit career.

14. I've fallen many times over but I've gotten back up (maybe not right away, but I did!).

15. I've watched my friends and family become parents and my parents become grandparents.

16. I've been able to love multitudes of animals: dogs, cats, hamsters, gerbils, chinchillas, guinea pigs, fish, ducks, rabbits, a horse and a bird.

17. I've healed from surgeries and from broken hearts.

18. I've known hunger and have been fortunate to give to others.

19. I've known people who have changed my heart, my mind, my mood and my life's course.

20. I've bent the ear of God and He's listened.

And right there, that list is what can keep a girl going. It reminds me that I've had a tremendous life - and IT'S NOT OVER. So I get up, smooth out my quarantine bun and buck up. As long as I'm here, in this humble home, creating art, working hard and loving my family, I'm still alive. I just need to drink more water, get more sleep, forgive myself and maybe not buy white chocolate peanut M&Ms the next time I hit up Target.