Still Life: Anxiety Overload

Do you ever feel like your heart is being stretched in so many directions? 

I work at a nonprofit, donate to charities and try to remember to volunteer, I read all the books and give as much of myself to others. With life as crazy as it is right now and with so many needing our help, I found myself hyper focused on ways I had to SAVE THE WORLD. My mental health was crumbling and my family was an afterthought. So I left Facebook.

"Oh, poor, privileged white woman leaving social media (and by the way, WHAT A STANCE) so she could focus on her privileged white family and not have to care about everyone else's worries," you may be thinking. And you wouldn't be the first one - it's my very same thought every day. How dare I cancel a social media platform that I've sought to use in a way to raise the voices of those marginalized and needing assistance? How dare I turn my back on a semi-valuable news resource where I received information of donations needed, rallies, marches, and other ways to help my fellow (wo)man? Who do I think I am to view myself as more important than any others and their needs?

Honestly, I don't have answers to those questions and I fight them every day. I try to remind myself of the two main reasons that I left: my family and my mental health. 

One of the things I have tried not to do with facebook is to unfollow or delete people with whom I don't agree. It is important to hear what everyone else is thinking and truthfully, what the opposite side says. I want to see what I'm up against, if my beliefs cut it, and it is dangerous to discredit anyone whose beliefs are different from your own. That's not tolerance. My one caveat to this rule, however, is that I delete anyone who doesn't believe in other lives being important. The minute they think Black Lives don't Matter, or that LGBTQ+ folks don't deserve every single right, they are out. I can't have that kind of hideous narcissism and hate in my life or my feed. We are all human beings.

Since before the last election, I've been watching my feed become more and more hate-filled. Friends and even blood relatives have posted items that scare me - making fun of people who I love, follow, trust or believe in. It was starting to make me very anxious, angry and sick to my stomach.

But not only that, and this is going to make your eyebrows lift, I was also getting anxious seeing all the kindness from people. There are so many needs out there - children living in cages, families going hungry, police needing kindness, police needing policing, Black lives needing so much more than we have given them, LGBTQ+ lives needing love and support, depression slipping in like some reverse glitter to every single aspect of our lives from the pandemic - that my kind and beautiful friends and family were posting and requesting help, and my heart couldn't take it. I just couldn't take it. I needed a break.

My family is going through some stuff right now. I'm working two positions. We're eating everything in sight. We've retreated from church and friends. After dinner each night we either all go to our separate screens or we sit, huddled together as if under a lean-to from a storm, and watch a movie. While we're trying to enforce healthier actions, we run, bike and make grand declarations in front of a fridge full of fruit and vegetables, we do get tired. We do get angry and worried. And it was time to step away from things that were causing my depression to droop so that I could bring myself back to my family who needed me.

I know that my silence on facebook is probably promoting everything that's bad in the world. My silence to some may mean that I agree that they don't have to wear masks because of the US CONSTITUTION, that all vaccines are conspiracies, that teachers need to shut up and put up because our children need to get out of our hair. OH MY GOSH, nothing could be further from my beliefs!

 

Silence does not equal Violence in this case. Silence does not equal Apathy. 

Silence, for me, equals personal mental health awareness.  

Silence, for me, equals reading AP news, NIH, ACLU, Human Rights Campaign and my community sites and choosing how I want to proceed without feeling coerced or guilted.

Silence equals fully, in mind, body and spirit, showing up for my family and paying more attention to them. 

Silence equals focusing my harassed mind on how to keep us all healthy in this pandemic, which may mean running full tilt to situations I need or relaxing my hold/others' holds on other issues.

Therefore, dear friends and family, please know that I have no forgotten you. I am not ignoring your struggles or the truths underlying our lives today. I am keeping up on it all. I'm just doing it with a more sane head.

Love you!