The Trouble with Having a Blog
I'm sitting here, two eves before my 38th birthday slurping Chianti that was given to me upon advice to "let it breathe for a half hour" before I drink it because apparently that will change the taste of red wine. I'm watching The Crown on Netflix because ohmygosh if there's a bigger anglophile I haven't met her, and thinking about what I've accomplished in my 37-almost 38-years. If you round up, which I've been doing, terrifyingly, for the last 3 years, I'm almost 40 and I don't have as much as I wanted to my name by this age. I hear John Mahoney (Jack Maloney?), the dad from Frazier who just died, didn't start acting until 35 or some such age, and you can do a lot of things past the point of 30 that you never thought you'd do, or rather, had dreams to do, but my dreams that I had in high school and college have not come to fruition. I'm eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers that I found in the outskirts of the pantry cabinet, sitting at the laptop staring up at pictures of old Ollie, old me and old Doug wondering, have I made it as much as I wanted? I'm almost 40. Have I done things that speak to my legacy?
I have made and grown a human being, Ollie, and have a loving 10 year marriage to a wonderful man. I am happy in my job, I have a loving, supportive tribe of family and friends. Despite this, however, I keep going back to, and this is GROSS, my senior year of high school "will." Brandywine, God bless them, has seniors write a "will" for their, I don't know, last? publication of the school year. Mine had something about how I would buy Brandywine a real track when I was famous. A) Not Famous. B) Could give less than an eff about any track. But it was all about having the money and being in the position to make a difference. Have I made a difference in anyone's life but my own? Have I made a difference in my own life?
When we turned 30, Doug had a conniption and I didn't really see the point. Doug got a tattoo and made us skydive (which I was more than willing to do). It was fun. When I turned 30, I asked to be bought dinner. When I turned 35, I started and didn't complete a little list of things I wanted to accomplish by my birthday. I remember that ice-skating on a real pond (other than in Bryant Park or at Rockefeller Center) was on the list. what else have I done?
I helped start a theatre group. It's gone now.
I was in a film at the Museum of Modern Art. No one knows about it.
All I can think of is that in the Bible - somewhere - it talks about the main goal in life being to have a normal, Christian life. I don't know where this is in the Bible, and I honestly may have dreamed about it because my dreams lately have been incredibly real. But I feel like there's something to be said about not wanting more than what you're given - being content with what you have.
I've always been someone who wanted more. You give me candy, I want more. You say I'm pretty good; I want to be the best. You say I have talent, I want to be famous. I am an okay mother, I'm an okay wife, I'm an okay dog-mom, I'm an okay aunt, I'm an okay Sunday School teacher, I'm an okay blog-writer (who needs to write a blog anyway?), I'm an okay worker/colleague, I'm an okay daughter/sister. I don't need to be anything but average. I don't, really. Average pays the bills. Average gets the job done.
And one gets paid in love and forgiveness and generosity and happiness when one embraces contentment. And I don't mean that in the way of settling. Embracing contentment means that you're okay with the crazy, you're okay with the unknown - you're just happy to be. It doesn't mean settling for what you have even though you wanted - expected and frankly, deserved - more.
People think that they're old dreams are the ones that will last a lifetime. For example, I expected for the longest time that I would become a famous actress. But then again, I would've had to work much harder, and I would've had to suffer some aspect of my life for that to happen, or would've had to move, or would've had to kowtow to people that I thought were asses, or would've had to change something about myself that I shouldn't. At least, that's what I tell myself. After I'm done talking to myself in the mirror like I'm talking to Leno/Kimmel/Fallon on the couch, I realize that I'm awful at public interviewing. And then I think, THAT's why God didn't make me a famous actress. Or when I remember how I'd be paralyzed in my own barf before a show - THAT's why God didn't make me a famous actress. Or how I'd be bored OUT OF MY GOURD and I COULDN"T WAIT for the show to come to an end in the middle of the acts - THAT'S why God didn't make me a famous actress. Or how I'd act like Mister Big Shot after a show and annoy everyone around me - THAT's why God didnt' make me a famous actress.
You know what they don't tell yoy when you grow up? They don't tell you the world's best kept secret: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL THEY"RE DOING.
I'm drunk. Well, I mean, close to. But Ollie, if you're reading this, know that it doesn't matter what you've done when you reach a pivotal birthday. It doesn't matter if you're famous or rich. It doesn't matter how many publications you have to your name or whose mind you've changed. It's about who you've been.
I can tell you, I've been a bully AND a believer.
I've been an asshole AND an angel.
But I've been chosen. By God and by my tribe - and I've been loved.
It turns out that that's all you have to be at whatever age you reach. You have to be loved. And I don't mean loved by acquaintances, or loved by those who have to love you. I don't mean "put up with" or loved conditionally. If you are LOVED by your TRIBE - family, friends, whathaveyou, you have built a solid life.
So yeah, part of me wishes that I could've been famous. And there's always the chance of my 15 minutes of fame. But really, when I look around myself, I'm so proud of the relationships that I've made, cultivated, and kept. Because that's all that really matters. That's all the legacy you need.
If this doesn't make sense, it's because it's written in drunk text font.
I have made and grown a human being, Ollie, and have a loving 10 year marriage to a wonderful man. I am happy in my job, I have a loving, supportive tribe of family and friends. Despite this, however, I keep going back to, and this is GROSS, my senior year of high school "will." Brandywine, God bless them, has seniors write a "will" for their, I don't know, last? publication of the school year. Mine had something about how I would buy Brandywine a real track when I was famous. A) Not Famous. B) Could give less than an eff about any track. But it was all about having the money and being in the position to make a difference. Have I made a difference in anyone's life but my own? Have I made a difference in my own life?
When we turned 30, Doug had a conniption and I didn't really see the point. Doug got a tattoo and made us skydive (which I was more than willing to do). It was fun. When I turned 30, I asked to be bought dinner. When I turned 35, I started and didn't complete a little list of things I wanted to accomplish by my birthday. I remember that ice-skating on a real pond (other than in Bryant Park or at Rockefeller Center) was on the list. what else have I done?
I helped start a theatre group. It's gone now.
I was in a film at the Museum of Modern Art. No one knows about it.
All I can think of is that in the Bible - somewhere - it talks about the main goal in life being to have a normal, Christian life. I don't know where this is in the Bible, and I honestly may have dreamed about it because my dreams lately have been incredibly real. But I feel like there's something to be said about not wanting more than what you're given - being content with what you have.
I've always been someone who wanted more. You give me candy, I want more. You say I'm pretty good; I want to be the best. You say I have talent, I want to be famous. I am an okay mother, I'm an okay wife, I'm an okay dog-mom, I'm an okay aunt, I'm an okay Sunday School teacher, I'm an okay blog-writer (who needs to write a blog anyway?), I'm an okay worker/colleague, I'm an okay daughter/sister. I don't need to be anything but average. I don't, really. Average pays the bills. Average gets the job done.
And one gets paid in love and forgiveness and generosity and happiness when one embraces contentment. And I don't mean that in the way of settling. Embracing contentment means that you're okay with the crazy, you're okay with the unknown - you're just happy to be. It doesn't mean settling for what you have even though you wanted - expected and frankly, deserved - more.
People think that they're old dreams are the ones that will last a lifetime. For example, I expected for the longest time that I would become a famous actress. But then again, I would've had to work much harder, and I would've had to suffer some aspect of my life for that to happen, or would've had to move, or would've had to kowtow to people that I thought were asses, or would've had to change something about myself that I shouldn't. At least, that's what I tell myself. After I'm done talking to myself in the mirror like I'm talking to Leno/Kimmel/Fallon on the couch, I realize that I'm awful at public interviewing. And then I think, THAT's why God didn't make me a famous actress. Or when I remember how I'd be paralyzed in my own barf before a show - THAT's why God didn't make me a famous actress. Or how I'd be bored OUT OF MY GOURD and I COULDN"T WAIT for the show to come to an end in the middle of the acts - THAT'S why God didn't make me a famous actress. Or how I'd act like Mister Big Shot after a show and annoy everyone around me - THAT's why God didnt' make me a famous actress.
You know what they don't tell yoy when you grow up? They don't tell you the world's best kept secret: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL THEY"RE DOING.
I'm drunk. Well, I mean, close to. But Ollie, if you're reading this, know that it doesn't matter what you've done when you reach a pivotal birthday. It doesn't matter if you're famous or rich. It doesn't matter how many publications you have to your name or whose mind you've changed. It's about who you've been.
I can tell you, I've been a bully AND a believer.
I've been an asshole AND an angel.
But I've been chosen. By God and by my tribe - and I've been loved.
It turns out that that's all you have to be at whatever age you reach. You have to be loved. And I don't mean loved by acquaintances, or loved by those who have to love you. I don't mean "put up with" or loved conditionally. If you are LOVED by your TRIBE - family, friends, whathaveyou, you have built a solid life.
So yeah, part of me wishes that I could've been famous. And there's always the chance of my 15 minutes of fame. But really, when I look around myself, I'm so proud of the relationships that I've made, cultivated, and kept. Because that's all that really matters. That's all the legacy you need.
If this doesn't make sense, it's because it's written in drunk text font.
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