Why "I don't know" is an okay answer
Darling Ollie,
You've had some really good questions lately.
Some questions have been funny:
Ollie: Are some people white, and brown, and red, and yellow, and rainbow colored?
Me: Yup.
Ollie: But we're white.
Doug: Yes, but that doesn't mean we're any better or worse than other people.
Me: Yeah, everyone's the same on the inside.
Ollie: Oh. But people can be rainbow colored?
Me: Yup.
Ollie: But we're the white family.
Me: Well, we're the Turk family who happens to be white.
Ollie: Oh. I want to see someone who's rainbow!
Some questions are quick:
Ollie: What do firemen carry on them when they go into burning houses?
Me: (Pulls out phone) Let's look.
Ollie: What is the Spanish word for dinosaur?
Me: (Pulls out phone) Hmm...good one, Ols. Let's check.
And some we just don't know how to answer:
Ollie: Guys, do some people's moms and dads die?
(Deafening silence while Doug and I mentally will the other person to speak)
Doug: Why are you asking?
Ollie: I'm sorry.
Me: No, no, Ollie, it's okay. We want you to ask questions and we want to give you good answers. We're just wondering why you're asking that question. Did you watch something that made you think of this?
Ollie: No. I was just thinking that some kids' moms and dads die.
Me: Well, yes. Some people's moms and dads die. But it's okay.
Ollie: Are some people's moms and dads lost?
Me: Are you asking because you just watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Ollie: Uhh...no?
Doug: Ollie, April O'Neil's dad was lost, but then she found him. So it's okay.
(Silence....no one speaks)
Doug: Oh, look! It's the Mystery Mobile!
Ollie, there has been a lot of stuff in the news in the last couple of years. A woman was sexually assaulted and her attacker only got 3 months in jail. Some states are imposing silly laws on bathrooms. Terrible things like school shootings, LGBTQ massacres, Jewish cemetery demolitions, refugees, beatings, war... I'm grateful that you're only 5, Ollie. You don't have the slightest idea of the atrocities human beings can do.
When you're older, you may have questions like:
Why do people kill people?
What if things don't always happen for a reason?
If God knew that was going to happen, why didn't He stop it?
Why does this keep happening?
I don't know how to answer these questions. I don't know what to say about free will, mentally unstable people, gun reform, horrible regimes and irresponsible politicians. I don't know how to answer questions when I have the same ones.
You're at a point where grown-ups are supposed to have all the answers. Sometimes I do - and I take deep breaths, calm my mind, ask God for articulation and do my best to wade through the deep waters with you. Sometimes, I yell out to Doug, "Your son has a question for you!" and make him take it while I hide. Other times, I'm not creative or quick enough to answer these hard questions with different analogies or rhetoric. I never want to make something up in order to appease you, and I don't want to give immature answers that don't do justice to your inquiring little mind.
But sometimes, I just don't know.
I fear I'll send you into a tailspin if I tell you that I don't know the answer, but I also want you to grow up knowing that "I don't know" is a good answer. "I don't know" is just as good an answer as no, maybe, yes, and let me find that answer for you. Especially if it comes with a hug or some M&Ms. "I don't know" doesn't have to be the end of the line, but it's fathoms better than false answers or fibbing.
And just because I say that I don't know, doesn't mean I want you to stop coming to me with questions. Because you'll have them, bud. No one goes through life without questions, without wondering about the world around them. And growing up in a religious household will bring up some additional questions, I'm sure. I'm here. Your dad's here. You have wonderful grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, preachers and godparents who are always around to answer questions.
Sometimes we'll answer your questions with profound answers that take your breath away and open your mind a little more to the intricacies of our universe. And sometimes, we'll answer with an "I don't know." And that's okay.
You've had some really good questions lately.
Some questions have been funny:
Ollie: (During a long poop) Mama! Something's wrong with my penis!
Me: What do you mean, Ollie?
Ollie: It's sticking out, Mama! Something's wrong with it!
Me: No, honey, there's nothing wrong with it. Sometimes that happens.
Ollie: But, Mama, it won't go down! Can we look it up?
Me: Not right now, honey, but I promise that you're okay. Just flush and wash your hands with soap and water, please.
Some questions are serious:
Me: Yup.
Ollie: But we're white.
Doug: Yes, but that doesn't mean we're any better or worse than other people.
Me: Yeah, everyone's the same on the inside.
Ollie: Oh. But people can be rainbow colored?
Me: Yup.
Ollie: But we're the white family.
Me: Well, we're the Turk family who happens to be white.
Ollie: Oh. I want to see someone who's rainbow!
Some questions are quick:
Ollie: What do firemen carry on them when they go into burning houses?
Me: (Pulls out phone) Let's look.
Ollie: What is the Spanish word for dinosaur?
Me: (Pulls out phone) Hmm...good one, Ols. Let's check.
And some we just don't know how to answer:
Ollie: Guys, do some people's moms and dads die?
(Deafening silence while Doug and I mentally will the other person to speak)
Doug: Why are you asking?
Ollie: I'm sorry.
Me: No, no, Ollie, it's okay. We want you to ask questions and we want to give you good answers. We're just wondering why you're asking that question. Did you watch something that made you think of this?
Ollie: No. I was just thinking that some kids' moms and dads die.
Me: Well, yes. Some people's moms and dads die. But it's okay.
Ollie: Are some people's moms and dads lost?
Me: Are you asking because you just watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Ollie: Uhh...no?
Doug: Ollie, April O'Neil's dad was lost, but then she found him. So it's okay.
(Silence....no one speaks)
Doug: Oh, look! It's the Mystery Mobile!
(It was really there)
Ollie, there has been a lot of stuff in the news in the last couple of years. A woman was sexually assaulted and her attacker only got 3 months in jail. Some states are imposing silly laws on bathrooms. Terrible things like school shootings, LGBTQ massacres, Jewish cemetery demolitions, refugees, beatings, war... I'm grateful that you're only 5, Ollie. You don't have the slightest idea of the atrocities human beings can do.
When you're older, you may have questions like:
Why do people kill people?
What if things don't always happen for a reason?
If God knew that was going to happen, why didn't He stop it?
Why does this keep happening?
I don't know how to answer these questions. I don't know what to say about free will, mentally unstable people, gun reform, horrible regimes and irresponsible politicians. I don't know how to answer questions when I have the same ones.
You're at a point where grown-ups are supposed to have all the answers. Sometimes I do - and I take deep breaths, calm my mind, ask God for articulation and do my best to wade through the deep waters with you. Sometimes, I yell out to Doug, "Your son has a question for you!" and make him take it while I hide. Other times, I'm not creative or quick enough to answer these hard questions with different analogies or rhetoric. I never want to make something up in order to appease you, and I don't want to give immature answers that don't do justice to your inquiring little mind.
But sometimes, I just don't know.
I fear I'll send you into a tailspin if I tell you that I don't know the answer, but I also want you to grow up knowing that "I don't know" is a good answer. "I don't know" is just as good an answer as no, maybe, yes, and let me find that answer for you. Especially if it comes with a hug or some M&Ms. "I don't know" doesn't have to be the end of the line, but it's fathoms better than false answers or fibbing.
And just because I say that I don't know, doesn't mean I want you to stop coming to me with questions. Because you'll have them, bud. No one goes through life without questions, without wondering about the world around them. And growing up in a religious household will bring up some additional questions, I'm sure. I'm here. Your dad's here. You have wonderful grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, preachers and godparents who are always around to answer questions.
Sometimes we'll answer your questions with profound answers that take your breath away and open your mind a little more to the intricacies of our universe. And sometimes, we'll answer with an "I don't know." And that's okay.
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