23 Ways in Which My 3 Year Old Resembles A Teenager
Ollie is, as you know, three, and has been making himself at home in the Terrible Three stage. This stage is most characterized by elements of tantrums, talking back, acts of aggression and not telling me what's really wrong. They tell me he's finding his individuality. That's just great, but you know who else tends to do the very same things when finding their identity? Teenagers. And most teenagers aren't sweethearts as they figure out their hormones and discover who they are; they're shitheads. Or at least, I was when I was in those angry formative years. So for all of you with toddlers and teenagers, as well as for those parents who have had to endure it, here are 23 ways in which my three year old has turned into a little teenager and why I may be doubling up on my Lexapro and hiding out in Starbucks for the next 15 years.
1. He's got the angsty teen language DOWN.
Me: "Do you want milk or water?"
Ollie: "Whatever."
Doug: "Ollie, please wash your hands after you use the potty."
Ollie: "Whatever."
Me: "Oliver, can you eat three more bites before we turn the page?"
Oliver: "Are you kidding me? I just ATE three more bites!"
2. His life is always over. "I wanted to get out of the bath BY MYSELF!!!! Booo hooooo!" "I want to wear my Lightning shoes! Boo hoooo!" "Mama didn't sing me a song before BED! Boo hoo!" Parents just don't understand.
3. He's weirdly secretive about important things. One of his best friends is moving to India, and I asked him how he felt. He responded systematically: "We will all miss him."
4. He thinks parental PDA is disgusting. He saw a picture of Doug and I at our wedding and goes, "Are you KISSING?!?! Oh, come ON!"
5. He's too cool for school - or for any fun rides. Lame-o.
6. All he ever wants to do is sit on the couch, eat Doritos and watch TV.
7. He spends all his extra time in the bathroom. Albeit, he's making toilet paper bridges instead of doing teenage things, but still.
8. If his mood shifts, everyone needs to BACK THE EFF OFF. He will spit right in your face. He has; ain't no thing to him. He will scratch, he will push and he will hit and kick. His favorite form of torture right now is looking us straight in the eye, putting on his meanest face and squeezing the skin on our forearms.
9. He gets really frustrated when I don't know which remote to use.
10. He triangulates with the best of them. Can't get what you want from Daddy? See Mama. Vice versa.
11. He thinks teasing is not only funny, but necessary, and his friends join in.
12. He doesn't clean his room.
13. He not only understands irony, he basks in it.
14. He thinks falls, slips, toots and poop talk is hysterical. Wait - so do I. Never mind, that's just basic human response.
15. He has a healthy curiosity for religion. He's asked me on two different occasions if God eats peanuts and if Jesus likes spicy fries.
16. He is culturally aware.
Ollie: "Straw is HAY in Spanish, Mama."
17. He likes salad, but it's only lettuce, croutons and miles-high of Light Ranch.
18. Sleep is of the utmost importance. After we put him down one night, we were cleaning up the kitchen and heard the door open. Ollie comes out blazing. "Will you stop making sounds?!? I'm trying to sleep!"
19. He needs constant validation. Wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, he looked at me and asked if I thought he looked fancy.
20. He's ALWAYS on the computer.
21. He has an excuse for anything. "I'm not hitting you, my hand is jumping on your arm!" "No, Daddy, it's not YOUR ice cream, it's the FAMILY'S ice cream."
22. He keeps coming up with new ways to do things because, obviously, he's smarter than everyone else and NOBODY ELSE has ever tried it before.
23. His emotions. Oh my, his emotions. He practices how to get the biggest bang for his buck.
Basically, Doug and I are already readying ourselves for trips to Hot Topic for toddler goth as well as grieving those lost future years of happy family vacation photos. Anyone else having this problem? Meet me in Starbucks on Saturday at 9. We'll start our own caregiver support group.
1. He's got the angsty teen language DOWN.
Me: "Do you want milk or water?"
Ollie: "Whatever."
Doug: "Ollie, please wash your hands after you use the potty."
Ollie: "Whatever."
Me: "Oliver, can you eat three more bites before we turn the page?"
Oliver: "Are you kidding me? I just ATE three more bites!"
2. His life is always over. "I wanted to get out of the bath BY MYSELF!!!! Booo hooooo!" "I want to wear my Lightning shoes! Boo hoooo!" "Mama didn't sing me a song before BED! Boo hoo!" Parents just don't understand.
3. He's weirdly secretive about important things. One of his best friends is moving to India, and I asked him how he felt. He responded systematically: "We will all miss him."
4. He thinks parental PDA is disgusting. He saw a picture of Doug and I at our wedding and goes, "Are you KISSING?!?! Oh, come ON!"
5. He's too cool for school - or for any fun rides. Lame-o.
6. All he ever wants to do is sit on the couch, eat Doritos and watch TV.
7. He spends all his extra time in the bathroom. Albeit, he's making toilet paper bridges instead of doing teenage things, but still.
8. If his mood shifts, everyone needs to BACK THE EFF OFF. He will spit right in your face. He has; ain't no thing to him. He will scratch, he will push and he will hit and kick. His favorite form of torture right now is looking us straight in the eye, putting on his meanest face and squeezing the skin on our forearms.
9. He gets really frustrated when I don't know which remote to use.
10. He triangulates with the best of them. Can't get what you want from Daddy? See Mama. Vice versa.
11. He thinks teasing is not only funny, but necessary, and his friends join in.
12. He doesn't clean his room.
13. He not only understands irony, he basks in it.
14. He thinks falls, slips, toots and poop talk is hysterical. Wait - so do I. Never mind, that's just basic human response.
15. He has a healthy curiosity for religion. He's asked me on two different occasions if God eats peanuts and if Jesus likes spicy fries.
16. He is culturally aware.
Ollie: "Straw is HAY in Spanish, Mama."
17. He likes salad, but it's only lettuce, croutons and miles-high of Light Ranch.
18. Sleep is of the utmost importance. After we put him down one night, we were cleaning up the kitchen and heard the door open. Ollie comes out blazing. "Will you stop making sounds?!? I'm trying to sleep!"
19. He needs constant validation. Wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, he looked at me and asked if I thought he looked fancy.
20. He's ALWAYS on the computer.
21. He has an excuse for anything. "I'm not hitting you, my hand is jumping on your arm!" "No, Daddy, it's not YOUR ice cream, it's the FAMILY'S ice cream."
22. He keeps coming up with new ways to do things because, obviously, he's smarter than everyone else and NOBODY ELSE has ever tried it before.
23. His emotions. Oh my, his emotions. He practices how to get the biggest bang for his buck.
Basically, Doug and I are already readying ourselves for trips to Hot Topic for toddler goth as well as grieving those lost future years of happy family vacation photos. Anyone else having this problem? Meet me in Starbucks on Saturday at 9. We'll start our own caregiver support group.
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