Bullying - My Messy Beautiful
Oh, dearest love. It is a little bit more than a month to your birthday. You're going to be three, and I'm going to be in denial. I'm really terrified for you to grow up. I realize 3 is a long way from 13, and I know I'm not taking it a day at a time, but I can't help it. I see tweens everywhere with their smart phones and their smart mouths, and I shake a little inside. I'm scared for you to be lanky, unruly, awkward and kind of ugly (we all were, darling, get used to it). I'm scared for you to fall in with the wrong crowd. I am scared for you to misplace your self-worth because of what others have, look like, or say to you. I'm also a bit scared for you to bully me - a) because I was bullied as a tween and I haven't changed that much and b) because bullies NEVER win, and I want you to thrive, O.
When I was younger, I had short hair. People called me a lesbian. At the time, not knowing anything about lesbians except that people thought they were bad, I was terribly embarrassed. I tried perming it.
I also was a big nerd. I did things like made fun of the football cheers in front of the whole stands to get laughs and stitch the choir and theatre letters onto my letterman jacket (when I shouldn't have had a letterman jacket in the first place). You have no idea how miserable I made your Aunt Courtney.
But I also was very true to myself. I was smart, and I was proud of it - I was the President of the National Honor Society and a member of the Spanish Honors Society (Me llamo Lupe). I wanted to act and sing, so I excelled at the arts - winning the senior choir and theatre awards - and getting noticed for roles. I went to a theatre camp and came back to assist the teacher in theatre class and direct the junior high spring musical. I made it into the State Choir and got to sing in front of friends and family. I also made it into our town newspaper many times for different things in which I participated.
I had a group of friends that didn't disown me even though I was obnoxious. They loved me and were proud of me. They enjoyed the same things I did and we battled those silly high school politics together.
As I continued to grow into myself (because we don't know ourselves as much as we think at that time, love), something funny happened. I may have tried to change my outward appearance (I think everyone could agree it needed work), but because I stayed as true to myself as I could, I kind of earned some people's respect. Slowly, students stopped making fun of me. They started recognizing me from the theatre shows. I became the Secretary for our class, and even won Winter Homecoming Queen. I even finally got a boyfriend, bless his heart.
My point is this, darling love: bullies didn't get the win over me. I won - by being myself, choosing to ignore them (on days when it was a hard choice), trusting that things would get better and seeing my self-worth through the eyes of my friends, my family, and my Lord.
I don't know what happened to all my bullies, although I know that one was beheaded in a freak accident. (Zoinks.) I don't wish them harm, I wish them happiness. Not because my younger self would have believed that they earned it, but because they were young. I like to believe that all of us have something inside that needles us when we've made a bad choice, and we ONLY ignore it out of need or want. NEED to belong, WANT to be different, NEED to make ourselves feel better, WANT to get noticed. Bullies shouldn't have to pay for bad decisions they made when they were young and rash, and those poor, misdirected stinkers need to be loved too. Life is TOUGH. So tough, buddy. And there are so many other feelings in the world that are worth the toughness; shame shouldn't be one of them.
The world is on a big anti-bullying kick right now. Everyone is recognizing how much bullying hurts feelings, makes people feel pretty awful about themselves, and causes, either directly or indirectly, people to hurt themselves or others. Bullying is horrible, it is. But as much as I put my voice behind it and agree with pulling this crap down, I gotta tell you, I'm not confident we'll wipe it out. There will always be bullies, babe. There will always be victims. I see this nearly as certain as death and taxes. I think my goal in life, dearest boy, is not to turn you into either one.
When I was younger, I had short hair. People called me a lesbian. At the time, not knowing anything about lesbians except that people thought they were bad, I was terribly embarrassed. I tried perming it.
This, as you can see, was a big mistake. So I tried growing it out.
Again, in retrospect, probably a bad idea.
I also was a big nerd. I did things like made fun of the football cheers in front of the whole stands to get laughs and stitch the choir and theatre letters onto my letterman jacket (when I shouldn't have had a letterman jacket in the first place). You have no idea how miserable I made your Aunt Courtney.
But I also was very true to myself. I was smart, and I was proud of it - I was the President of the National Honor Society and a member of the Spanish Honors Society (Me llamo Lupe). I wanted to act and sing, so I excelled at the arts - winning the senior choir and theatre awards - and getting noticed for roles. I went to a theatre camp and came back to assist the teacher in theatre class and direct the junior high spring musical. I made it into the State Choir and got to sing in front of friends and family. I also made it into our town newspaper many times for different things in which I participated.
I had a group of friends that didn't disown me even though I was obnoxious. They loved me and were proud of me. They enjoyed the same things I did and we battled those silly high school politics together.
As I continued to grow into myself (because we don't know ourselves as much as we think at that time, love), something funny happened. I may have tried to change my outward appearance (I think everyone could agree it needed work), but because I stayed as true to myself as I could, I kind of earned some people's respect. Slowly, students stopped making fun of me. They started recognizing me from the theatre shows. I became the Secretary for our class, and even won Winter Homecoming Queen. I even finally got a boyfriend, bless his heart.
He put up with a lot.
My point is this, darling love: bullies didn't get the win over me. I won - by being myself, choosing to ignore them (on days when it was a hard choice), trusting that things would get better and seeing my self-worth through the eyes of my friends, my family, and my Lord.
I don't know what happened to all my bullies, although I know that one was beheaded in a freak accident. (Zoinks.) I don't wish them harm, I wish them happiness. Not because my younger self would have believed that they earned it, but because they were young. I like to believe that all of us have something inside that needles us when we've made a bad choice, and we ONLY ignore it out of need or want. NEED to belong, WANT to be different, NEED to make ourselves feel better, WANT to get noticed. Bullies shouldn't have to pay for bad decisions they made when they were young and rash, and those poor, misdirected stinkers need to be loved too. Life is TOUGH. So tough, buddy. And there are so many other feelings in the world that are worth the toughness; shame shouldn't be one of them.
The world is on a big anti-bullying kick right now. Everyone is recognizing how much bullying hurts feelings, makes people feel pretty awful about themselves, and causes, either directly or indirectly, people to hurt themselves or others. Bullying is horrible, it is. But as much as I put my voice behind it and agree with pulling this crap down, I gotta tell you, I'm not confident we'll wipe it out. There will always be bullies, babe. There will always be victims. I see this nearly as certain as death and taxes. I think my goal in life, dearest boy, is not to turn you into either one.
It does help that now your mama look like this:
:)
This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!
Comments
You have always been beautiful inside and out. Your son has an amazing role model to look up to. I value our friendship and always had. The year we were locker partners was by far the best year, because even if I was having the worst day ever, my buddy Blaine always knew how to make me smile.
I am sorry you were bullied, but you definitely won! You defied all odds and just did you! And that's what anyone who knows you, loves about you!