New Year's Revolutions...
Hi everyone. I'm back.
I took a little break because the end of the year + holidays = a little nutso time. I kept on taking my happy pills (as per Glennon Melton: "Jesus loves me this I know, for He gave me Lexapro."), and taking big breaths. It went really well; I think I only had one nervous breakdown. Which, considering the amount of things that went on, is actually pretty spectacular.
This year, my New Year's word is "REBUILD." After lapsing with religion (mostly out of laziness, not out of faith), becoming lazy around the house, distant (only because of time) from friends and family, not giving any thought to the food and drink that has been entering my body and finding myself getting more and more worked up over things that aren't necessary, I decided this year was the time to restructure this life of mine.
I was at church on Sunday - Yes, I know, I'm already starting! - and the speaker spoke on taking a personal inventory each day as a way of staying on track with your goals. She went through the three gauges (as she put it) that she, herself, uses. I found myself really impressed by her presentation and started taking notes. As a person who lives linearly (eh? may be a word...?), I find that I think more clearly when I have a list of items that I can check off. I don't do well with brainstorming or what I call Cloud Thinking, where all my thoughts are swirling and I can't keep track of them. So having three items that I can check off sounded A-OK to me.
The first one is Physical - taking stock of how you are feeling, of how much rest you're getting and what you're eating. As she put it, you are your own temple, and you won't help anyone else if you aren't in good shape. I put it: Make sure that you put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. When I really take inventory of my own personal health, I find myself severely lacking. I've been eating Christmas cookies as a 3 o'clock meal (as well as 10am, 1:30pm, and 4:45pm and 8pm, but who's counting), I have sworn off any physical activity using lame excuses and I can just hear my body thickening when I sit down on the couch with a beer and a bowl of salted caramel ice cream. My SHIT, that stuff is heavenly.
So I'm joining a gym, tracking my food intake through LoseIt.com, drinking water as if I'm readying for a trip across the desert, not taking second looks at soda, candy and chips and vowing not to purchase that ice cream until I feel I won't break. Yes, it's only the 4th day of the year, but so far so good! I'm going to keep it up, because I KNOW I CAN slay my inner fat girl (Marge, if you want to know her name), or at least keep her at bay until next holiday season.
The second gauge is Emotional. This, as a person who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, is my mountain. I'm either worrying about everything (whether I'm being a good Mom, a good wife, daughter, worker, friend, sister), angry at the entire world and not letting things slide off my back, or apathetic. I took Effexor for a couple of years back before Doug and I got married and it really calmed me down and helped me understand what was important and what wasn't worth getting twisted over. With the giant life change that I found myself in when I moved to Minnesota (and calling my dear mother-in-law a b*tch), I realized I needed the help again. A teeny-tiny part of me was disappointed that I couldn't work things out "on my own," but about 98% of me was proud that I had noticed the triggers in myself (nightmares, terrible daydreams, lashing out, worrying heavily about really stupid things) and was seeking the appropriate assistance.
While my Emotional gauge isn't where I'd like it to be, it's a work in progress. As we all are, of course. My goal is to forgive myself for being who I am. It'll take a pack of wild horses for me to get to a place where I'm completely happy with myself, but isn't life's goal to try and get there? An example - this morning I was carrying Ollie into Target. We were, at the time, hitting above freezing temperatures, so it was slippery and gunky and I should-have-worn-my-boots-but-didn't kind of morning. A guy was gunning down the parking lot, whipping up all sorts of gak. He stopped to let us pass, but we didn't even make it to the sidewalk before the a-hole started speeding off again. I stopped, flipped him the bird and yelled, "F**K YOU! I'M WALKING HERE!" He, of course, didn't hear me, and as soon as I realized that I had cursed, I looked around at all the kind, loving, quiet Minnesotans who were gaping at me in shock, and mumbled something about speeding and getting everyone dirty, ducked my head down and scrambled into the store. My heart was beating out of my chest as I put Ollie into the cart because I knew exactly why everyone was gaping. Sure, they've heard swears before, but this one was practically into the ear of my toddler and any other children who were milling around on the sidewalk. I was so ashamed. I wanted to tell anyone who would listen that I was here from New York and it was my first instinct, that that was my excuse, but of course I couldn't. I'm walking around in the fresh produce, getting myself more and more shaken up about what I should and shouldn't have done and who thinks what of me and what people will tell their families over dinner that night and what I could do to make it better, or how I could make someone tell me it's okay...when I realized that I was there to grocery shop and I'd better do it. So I got busy finding my items. 20 minutes went by and I realized that I hadn't thought about it - which probably is thanks as much to my Lexapro as to my ADD. Once I realized that I hadn't even thought about it , I celebrated the fact that I could let it go. That I had let it go! I know, to my wonderful readers it sounds like a really lame party reason, but for me, this was huge.
There I am on the Emotional gauge. I'm...well, where I am.
The third and final gauge is the Relationship gauge. I can be the best friend you could ever imagine, and then 3 months later, I haven't called. I also didn't realize until today how much I fight every single thing my husband says. Whoops. So I've got some work to do here.
This gauge also includes my walk with the Lord. I believe, but I can't help to admit that there are often times when I look around in church and think, "My gosh, if this doesn't turn out to by true, we'll all look like idiots." I get atheists' points. We're sitting around worshipping a dead man, and in some churches, sitting there looking at a wooden portrayal of his death. How gruesome! And all the creation vs. evolution crap. For the record, I believe that God created the world as it was billions of years ago. Him creating us in His image - the first humans could've been covered in hair, bent over, looking like apes. Maybe God was an ape. I don't know. I'm not here to get into the finer points. I definitely don't know enough. Anyway. I'm hoping that we join a church this year - finally settling after our 11 year church hunt - in a place where we can both feel comfortable and grow our faith. I know that the Lord is true - that He is the Way, but I get sidetracked easily. I dream of Ollie growing up in a church home, and I know He wants that to happen too.
REBUILD. I'm going to rebuild the roads in my life that I need in order to get me to where I want to be. Physically, Emotionally and Relationship....wise. (Relationally? Ack, it's after 10pm.) I'm looking forward to it. The journey's starting!
Enjoy yourselves, lovies. Have a good, good night.
I took a little break because the end of the year + holidays = a little nutso time. I kept on taking my happy pills (as per Glennon Melton: "Jesus loves me this I know, for He gave me Lexapro."), and taking big breaths. It went really well; I think I only had one nervous breakdown. Which, considering the amount of things that went on, is actually pretty spectacular.
This year, my New Year's word is "REBUILD." After lapsing with religion (mostly out of laziness, not out of faith), becoming lazy around the house, distant (only because of time) from friends and family, not giving any thought to the food and drink that has been entering my body and finding myself getting more and more worked up over things that aren't necessary, I decided this year was the time to restructure this life of mine.
I was at church on Sunday - Yes, I know, I'm already starting! - and the speaker spoke on taking a personal inventory each day as a way of staying on track with your goals. She went through the three gauges (as she put it) that she, herself, uses. I found myself really impressed by her presentation and started taking notes. As a person who lives linearly (eh? may be a word...?), I find that I think more clearly when I have a list of items that I can check off. I don't do well with brainstorming or what I call Cloud Thinking, where all my thoughts are swirling and I can't keep track of them. So having three items that I can check off sounded A-OK to me.
The first one is Physical - taking stock of how you are feeling, of how much rest you're getting and what you're eating. As she put it, you are your own temple, and you won't help anyone else if you aren't in good shape. I put it: Make sure that you put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. When I really take inventory of my own personal health, I find myself severely lacking. I've been eating Christmas cookies as a 3 o'clock meal (as well as 10am, 1:30pm, and 4:45pm and 8pm, but who's counting), I have sworn off any physical activity using lame excuses and I can just hear my body thickening when I sit down on the couch with a beer and a bowl of salted caramel ice cream. My SHIT, that stuff is heavenly.
So I'm joining a gym, tracking my food intake through LoseIt.com, drinking water as if I'm readying for a trip across the desert, not taking second looks at soda, candy and chips and vowing not to purchase that ice cream until I feel I won't break. Yes, it's only the 4th day of the year, but so far so good! I'm going to keep it up, because I KNOW I CAN slay my inner fat girl (Marge, if you want to know her name), or at least keep her at bay until next holiday season.
The second gauge is Emotional. This, as a person who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, is my mountain. I'm either worrying about everything (whether I'm being a good Mom, a good wife, daughter, worker, friend, sister), angry at the entire world and not letting things slide off my back, or apathetic. I took Effexor for a couple of years back before Doug and I got married and it really calmed me down and helped me understand what was important and what wasn't worth getting twisted over. With the giant life change that I found myself in when I moved to Minnesota (and calling my dear mother-in-law a b*tch), I realized I needed the help again. A teeny-tiny part of me was disappointed that I couldn't work things out "on my own," but about 98% of me was proud that I had noticed the triggers in myself (nightmares, terrible daydreams, lashing out, worrying heavily about really stupid things) and was seeking the appropriate assistance.
While my Emotional gauge isn't where I'd like it to be, it's a work in progress. As we all are, of course. My goal is to forgive myself for being who I am. It'll take a pack of wild horses for me to get to a place where I'm completely happy with myself, but isn't life's goal to try and get there? An example - this morning I was carrying Ollie into Target. We were, at the time, hitting above freezing temperatures, so it was slippery and gunky and I should-have-worn-my-boots-but-didn't kind of morning. A guy was gunning down the parking lot, whipping up all sorts of gak. He stopped to let us pass, but we didn't even make it to the sidewalk before the a-hole started speeding off again. I stopped, flipped him the bird and yelled, "F**K YOU! I'M WALKING HERE!" He, of course, didn't hear me, and as soon as I realized that I had cursed, I looked around at all the kind, loving, quiet Minnesotans who were gaping at me in shock, and mumbled something about speeding and getting everyone dirty, ducked my head down and scrambled into the store. My heart was beating out of my chest as I put Ollie into the cart because I knew exactly why everyone was gaping. Sure, they've heard swears before, but this one was practically into the ear of my toddler and any other children who were milling around on the sidewalk. I was so ashamed. I wanted to tell anyone who would listen that I was here from New York and it was my first instinct, that that was my excuse, but of course I couldn't. I'm walking around in the fresh produce, getting myself more and more shaken up about what I should and shouldn't have done and who thinks what of me and what people will tell their families over dinner that night and what I could do to make it better, or how I could make someone tell me it's okay...when I realized that I was there to grocery shop and I'd better do it. So I got busy finding my items. 20 minutes went by and I realized that I hadn't thought about it - which probably is thanks as much to my Lexapro as to my ADD. Once I realized that I hadn't even thought about it , I celebrated the fact that I could let it go. That I had let it go! I know, to my wonderful readers it sounds like a really lame party reason, but for me, this was huge.
There I am on the Emotional gauge. I'm...well, where I am.
The third and final gauge is the Relationship gauge. I can be the best friend you could ever imagine, and then 3 months later, I haven't called. I also didn't realize until today how much I fight every single thing my husband says. Whoops. So I've got some work to do here.
This gauge also includes my walk with the Lord. I believe, but I can't help to admit that there are often times when I look around in church and think, "My gosh, if this doesn't turn out to by true, we'll all look like idiots." I get atheists' points. We're sitting around worshipping a dead man, and in some churches, sitting there looking at a wooden portrayal of his death. How gruesome! And all the creation vs. evolution crap. For the record, I believe that God created the world as it was billions of years ago. Him creating us in His image - the first humans could've been covered in hair, bent over, looking like apes. Maybe God was an ape. I don't know. I'm not here to get into the finer points. I definitely don't know enough. Anyway. I'm hoping that we join a church this year - finally settling after our 11 year church hunt - in a place where we can both feel comfortable and grow our faith. I know that the Lord is true - that He is the Way, but I get sidetracked easily. I dream of Ollie growing up in a church home, and I know He wants that to happen too.
REBUILD. I'm going to rebuild the roads in my life that I need in order to get me to where I want to be. Physically, Emotionally and Relationship....wise. (Relationally? Ack, it's after 10pm.) I'm looking forward to it. The journey's starting!
Enjoy yourselves, lovies. Have a good, good night.
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