HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I know it's a coupla days past Mother's Day, but I kind of let the idea of getting Mom a birthday / Mother's Day present slide.  So let's talk about my mom for a minute here.  And maybe, just this one year, she'll be okay with kind words and fond memories as her gift.

1. She is fabulous.
For a brief period there in the late 80s, my mom went blonde.  And pulled it off.
It appears, however, that she does not feel the same way because the only picture of that time period exists below.

And this is only because Dad squirrelled it away for future abuse.  Good man.

  

 2. She is beautiful.

There is a photo somewhere of mom, at some goofy Halloween party, wearing fake eyelashes and a shiny dress.  Apparently, it was Whore Halloween.  But I tell you what: traffic-stopping.  Even now, when her eye doctor says that she has to wear glasses and she thinks she looks tired or worn out, she is remarkably lovely.

  

3. She is funny.

As kids we used to go for walks down our neighbor's (Grandma Witwer) long driveway.  One time Mom missed us so much that she took my sister's teeny bike and pumped out to see us.  I still remember the sight of her coming down the hill, legs held out to the side, hair blowing behind her, laughing like crazy.

4. She has sacrificed so much. 

It wasn't until I became a mom (isn't that the sad fate of women?) that I realized how much she has given up.  Replacing late-night debauchery with sleepless nights, carefree with worry, vacation days with someone else's sick days, nice dishes with plastic Disney-themed ones, quiet time with "Ma, Mom, Mama, Ma!" "WHAT?!?"...my mom is a mother.  Probably doesn't even see it as a sacrifice.

5. She is tricky.

Mom would come home when we were little and say, "Oh my, I would give ANYONE 25 cents to brush my hair or rub my feet!"  I would do it.  For a quarter.  I still remember the feel of her hair beneath my fingernails.  I'd always forget about asking for that quarter, too, so I really did it for free.  Because I love my mom.  And because I was a stupid, stupid kid.  And that was in the days of pantyhose.  Shudder.

6. She stays calm when I'm going insane.

Case in point: every day of my life.  Come on, you know me.

7. She's got her finger on the pulse of fashion and hip new things.

Probably because she watches Home Shopping Network.  A Christmas stocking is always guaranteed to be chock full of cutting edge.  Sometimes it's a slam dunk (I'm pretty sure she's the reason Bed, Bath and Beyond started selling the Magic Bullet) and sometimes it's not so much, but she takes risks, this broad.  Which means that we grew up taking risks too.

  

8. She reminds me where my heart should be.

When I call her to complain about someone, she may laugh, but mostly she reminds me to take a minute and walk in their shoes.  Sometimes it sucks because I'd like her to jump on my bandwagon, but she usually doesn't because...

9. She is a good Christian.

She's the one who taught me The Lord's Prayer, read me Bible stories, got us out of bed and into ill-fitting dresses (which is why I'll never wear dresses except for occasions) and prays for me.  

10. She sometimes is an even better non-Christian.

There was that one time when she really wanted us kids to go play outside for once and it started raining.  She yelled, "Shit!  Shit!  Shit!"  We all gasped and looked at her with gigantic, concerned eyes.  She apologized and then allowed us all to say "Shit" three times.  Court and Jess said it at once.  I spread out my allotted three swears throughout the day: "Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

11. She never complains.

Never complains.  I don't know where I learned to complain as much as I do.  Mom effing broke her knee on a Harley ride through western US of A and didn't so much as open her mouth except to tell Dad, "Let's keep going."

12. She's a mean mutha-fuyer if you mess with her or her family.

You know how some animals give off a warning before the claws come out?  Like a skunk will alert you with his scent before going ape-shit all over your ass?  If you've been on the wrong side of my mom, you know that her warning is the raised eyebrow.  Hooo.  It'll strike fear in a heart of stone.  Even thinking about it gives me the shivers.  And being the type of child who would carve her name in the spanker-paddle, I should be immune to its force.  I should be able to readily accept its challenge.  However, I can't even put a picture of it in this post because I wouldn't be able to reread this post ever again.  This beast of a woman has faced down Dad's cancer (5x now, Superman?), egregious bosses and mean teachers.  Once, when Jess' fourth grade math teacher was giving homework that kept Jess up nights, Mom marched in there and gave her a piece of her mind.  I remember sitting on the bench near the door waiting for Mom to take us home and seeing Mom striding into the Principal's office with Mrs. Mason following closely at her heels.  Uh-ohhhh.  I heard screaming in there folks.  I don't know what exactly happened, but I can tell you this: when the dust had cleared, Mom came out of that office with nary a scratch and her eyebrow set firmly in place.  And Jess got to go to a different math teacher after that.  I'm not saying, I'm just saying that Mrs. Mason was long gone by the time I got to fourth grade.

13. She is (oh) so talented.

She's a retired Kindergarten teacher and Art teacher.  She holds an (almost) Master from Western Michigan (in a time when Masters were, like, what?).  She used to teach English to Mexican migrant workers.  She taught night school with 3 babies (under the age of 3) at home. She can whip up a delicious dish from any 3 ingredients you may have rolling around your pantry because she grew up on a farm with, like, 26 kids (actually 7).  Her scrapbook pages should be hanging in a museum.  She makes greeting cards by hand.  She has the BEST witch's cackle.   Anyone will fall asleep when she reads a bedtime story.  Her sugar cookies will send you to the moon.  She's just awesome.

14. She's an animal whisperer and nature lover.

Our house was the safe haven for animals.  Because it sits on a quiet corner, we were the scene of many pet drop-offs. It could've also been the yard strewn with miscellaneous cages housing gerbils, guinea pigs, chinchillas, rabbits, dogs and cats that was the glaring beacon of hope to all homeless animals.  Mom grew up on a farm and, much to Dad's chagrin, would make a friend out of any animal.  For example, Courtney and Brian have a dog, Bear, who is a rambunctious little thug, but Mom can make him curl up quietly with her to watch her cop programs (or as Mom calls it "SUV"). 

Shout out to Maddie-Moo.

15. She is the BEST Grandma.

Really.  This lady's picture should be in the dictionary.  She's always been a good Mom but she really hit her stride when she became a Grandmother.

It's a bit late, but Mama, thank you for being my Mom.  Thank you to my sisters and Dad for sharing her with me.  Thank you, Lord, for giving me this lady. 

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

And PS, let's get a more recent picture taken together.