Adult Etiquette
A few weeks ago, Doug, Oliver and I went out to a real dinner - in the city, no less - with our friends, Jenn and Joel. Ollie was in a great mood and Doug and I had just spent a majority of the day walking around Central Park. We were all feeling fabulous!
It took me about 2 minutes in - the chips and sauce had just been served - to realize that I had to brush up on my adult etiquette. Just basic etiquette, really.
I'm going to post these rules on my fridge. If you think of any to add, let me know. I'll modify.
1. Don't talk only about your son's poop and/or boogers. I promise you - this isn't interesting to ANYONE else. No matter how enlivened they make their eyes or how much they nod interestedly multiple times, they are dead inside. They are focused on your mouth, waiting for just one word that they can pounce on to bring the conversation around to something - anything - else. "He had poop running down his leg -" "His leg? My aunt just moved!" And there's nothing wrong with them - it's you.
2. Remember, as best you can, at least one thing about the other person's life to discuss. Because you will be embarrassed, post-dinner, when you're running the conversations back in your head, of the number of times you said, "Oh! I forgot about that!"
3. Don't allude to the following:
4. Only sing to the baby if he's banshee-crazy crying and boobing him won't shut him up. You and your darling may appreciate the sound of your voice and the funny noises you make in the 3rd rendition of "Five Green and Speckled Frogs," but your friends do not. While you are rhyming masterfully in "Down By The Bay," they will be judging you, your baby and the future of your relationship. And the other patrons may band together to mutinize your ass.
5. Eat politely. Now is not the time to show off your hoovering skills or make commentary on the fact that you'll never eat a hot meal ever again. No one cares. Nor do they want to see refried beans shoot out of your mouth because there's no more room at the inn. Breathe.
6. Don't stare at the baby or stare off into space. There are 2 reasons for this. 1 - Yes, everyone's admiring the baby, but that has to stop at some point. Your dearest friends won't cut it off because they don't want to hurt your feelings or appear heartless. 2 - You might have lost track of the conversation because you were figuring out the math in your head ("if we get him home by 8, he'll have 9 hours of sleep") or because you drifted off to sleep with your eyes open, but your friends aren't paying to have dinner by themselves, now are they. N0, they are not.
7. Don't tickle your boss. Okay, so this doesn't have anything to do with a friendly dinner out, but it has everything to do with adult etiquette. Eff.
So there I was - having a conversation with my boss, Rick, in my office. He said something funny, and my first reaction - because I'm a moron - was to tickle him while making a high-pitched gutteral noise (as I do with Oliver). It all happened so fast. Immediately, I realized what I had done. I moved away and started apologizing - spewing sorries and explanations like the refried beans I mentioned earlier. Rick, to his ultimate credit, just laughed and made a joke that he was just as cute as Oliver. I. Almost. Died. I wish I had a little bit. Words that you never want to say to your boss do include: "I'm sorry that I tickled you."
The moral of the story, kids, is not to forget yourself, your company or your surroundings. You wouldn't leave the house with your skirt tucked into your underwear, would you? Just like I always tell Oliver when he's trying to get out from underneath the hooter hider in public: "Decorum, love. Decorum."
It took me about 2 minutes in - the chips and sauce had just been served - to realize that I had to brush up on my adult etiquette. Just basic etiquette, really.
I'm going to post these rules on my fridge. If you think of any to add, let me know. I'll modify.
1. Don't talk only about your son's poop and/or boogers. I promise you - this isn't interesting to ANYONE else. No matter how enlivened they make their eyes or how much they nod interestedly multiple times, they are dead inside. They are focused on your mouth, waiting for just one word that they can pounce on to bring the conversation around to something - anything - else. "He had poop running down his leg -" "His leg? My aunt just moved!" And there's nothing wrong with them - it's you.
2. Remember, as best you can, at least one thing about the other person's life to discuss. Because you will be embarrassed, post-dinner, when you're running the conversations back in your head, of the number of times you said, "Oh! I forgot about that!"
3. Don't allude to the following:
- Your National Geographic, 3 inch long nipples
- Breastfeeding
- Your vagina
- The fact that a baby came out of your vagina
4. Only sing to the baby if he's banshee-crazy crying and boobing him won't shut him up. You and your darling may appreciate the sound of your voice and the funny noises you make in the 3rd rendition of "Five Green and Speckled Frogs," but your friends do not. While you are rhyming masterfully in "Down By The Bay," they will be judging you, your baby and the future of your relationship. And the other patrons may band together to mutinize your ass.
5. Eat politely. Now is not the time to show off your hoovering skills or make commentary on the fact that you'll never eat a hot meal ever again. No one cares. Nor do they want to see refried beans shoot out of your mouth because there's no more room at the inn. Breathe.
6. Don't stare at the baby or stare off into space. There are 2 reasons for this. 1 - Yes, everyone's admiring the baby, but that has to stop at some point. Your dearest friends won't cut it off because they don't want to hurt your feelings or appear heartless. 2 - You might have lost track of the conversation because you were figuring out the math in your head ("if we get him home by 8, he'll have 9 hours of sleep") or because you drifted off to sleep with your eyes open, but your friends aren't paying to have dinner by themselves, now are they. N0, they are not.
7. Don't tickle your boss. Okay, so this doesn't have anything to do with a friendly dinner out, but it has everything to do with adult etiquette. Eff.
So there I was - having a conversation with my boss, Rick, in my office. He said something funny, and my first reaction - because I'm a moron - was to tickle him while making a high-pitched gutteral noise (as I do with Oliver). It all happened so fast. Immediately, I realized what I had done. I moved away and started apologizing - spewing sorries and explanations like the refried beans I mentioned earlier. Rick, to his ultimate credit, just laughed and made a joke that he was just as cute as Oliver. I. Almost. Died. I wish I had a little bit. Words that you never want to say to your boss do include: "I'm sorry that I tickled you."
The moral of the story, kids, is not to forget yourself, your company or your surroundings. You wouldn't leave the house with your skirt tucked into your underwear, would you? Just like I always tell Oliver when he's trying to get out from underneath the hooter hider in public: "Decorum, love. Decorum."
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