The Fifteen Things I've Learned from Being a Mom

1. Pushing actually feels good.  It's just annoying as hell because it goes on forever and you can't tap out and pass the baton to a more hydrated reinforcement.  You can't take a break like when you're cleaning the house and you find something more interesting to do.
2. Having a baby is like being told to air traffic control 26 airplanes in 3 minutes without experience or sleep at the same time your vagina is hit full-on by a log-hauling semi.
3. One word.  Three syllables.  Percoset. 
4. Your partner must sleep with you that first night at the hospital.  Yes, it may seem more logical that he goes home to get some rest before coming back so that at least one of you has your wits attached, but don't send him.  He may be uncomfortable because those partner beds are akin to sleeping at the mouth of Jesus' tomb, but there's a small chance it may be the worst night of your life.   You'll appreciate the support.  He'll still be in complete superhero reverence of you anyway, so take advantage of that shit.
5. Whatever book you choose to read and follow, read it before that baby comes.  Dog-ear pages, bookmark them, tear them out and paste them on the fridge because sister, I promise you, you'll forget how to wipe your own ass.
6. Put in the time to breastfeed if that's what you want to do.  Breastfeeding is like Flexible Spending.  You use it or you lose it.
7. Once that baby comes, you will understand every single mother's worst nightmare and you will imagine them every few minutes.  Even if they seem impossible.  Don't let your guard down because it really could happen.  No, maybe that bottle of hand sanitizer that takes a special NASA key to break into and hangs off the foot end of the stroller won't jump off the caribiner, roll over the blanket to the baby's face, open and squirt directly into your newborn's pupils.  Maybe it can't happen.  But you know who has gotten Purell in Oliver's eyes?  Me.
8. As ridiculous as it sounds, you will feel completely responsible for the fact that your son has outgrown clothes that people have given you before he ever had a chance to wear them.  It will cross your mind to change him multiple times during the day even if he hasn't soiled his clothes just so you can take a picture of him in the Grandma's Little Angel outfit before he hulks out.
9. You think your senses are heightened when you're pregnant?  Now dumb them down so it feels like your ears are filled with foam peanuts.  After 8:30pm, I can GUARANTEE you that I will be hissing, "Did you just hear the baby?  Put it on mute.  Put it on mute!"  (Wait)  "Okay.  Thank you."  (Eleven seconds pass) "Mute it!  Mute it!  That was the baby!"
10. You will lose your hair and it will look like you waxed a grizzly in your bathtub.  Just keep Draino handy and make sure you warn your husband in case he departs the bathroom with wide, frightened eyes and asks if you need to go to the hospital.
11. You may pee.  A lot.  All over the house and your clothes.  Just an FYI.  Same with poop.
12. Anyone who poses the slightest threat to your child is now the enemy.  Remember, the people who stand on the sidewalk ramp while you're strolling your child may not see you.  I know, it's a long shot, but they may not have noticed the halo shining around your heavenly baby's noggin in order to step aside in an orderly fashion.
13. You will always either think Junior is sick and stick him incessantly with the fever stick, or you may think that he has shaken baby syndrome.  You probably did nothing, but you're sure that something likely caused him to lose some valuable IQ points.  And dangit, you have to wait years to find out!
14. Phantom baby. You and your spouse share a dream-laden conversation about not stepping on the baby because he's sleeping under the covers at your feet.  Or maybe you think you've dropped him on the floor.  Perhaps you wake up cradling and shhhing the sheets.  And the whole time, the baby is sleeping peacefully in his crib. 
15. The best feeling in the world is in middle of the night when you're tired, crabby and counting the hours and your baby stops nursing for a moment, catches your eye and smiles as if to say, "Ma, if I had to be up this late, I'm glad I'm with you."